When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"

"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

Perks Of Being Over The Hill
  • There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
  • Things that you buy now won't wear out.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  • You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
  • You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.